It's hard to write this... even though I know I don't have to hit publish. It's been a struggle -- for the last 4 months I have been the happiest I have ever been and the saddest I have ever been. And it's not something you can really talk to anyone about.
People ask all of the time how married life is. And it's fine. and the same. and it feels like a lot has changed when actually nothing has really changed. It's confusing. And there was that little blip in June that added some sadness, yet shed some new light on the direction we want to take in our lives together.
I have been researching a lot -- apparently 1 out of 10 brides can feel like this. And if you think about how many weddings per day around the world happen, this is a lot of brides. A part of me doesn't know if it's because of my identity crisis -- who am I as a new wife with a new last name and a reminder of my vows around my finger that glistens at me every time it caches the light? Or am I still dealing with the loss we experienced, still wondering about the what ifs, what it would be like today, what it could have been like tomorrow?
I haven't been the best bride -- I am all smiles and joy to strangers, friends and family, yet with my husband, I am an emotional roller coaster. I am thrilled to come home to him, yet feel lost while here. I laugh at his jokes while also feeling irked that he is making them. Like I said, I am the happiest I have ever been....and the saddest.
The sources I have researched all say the same thing -- I feel this way because my project I have been working on for two years is completed. A one day affair that took months of planing. Or because I took on the new last name, relinquishing who I was to become his wife. And I can see how both of these things are affecting me.
I thought about finding someone to talk to...then worried that it couldn't be a good sign four months in to find a therapist. I finally spoke to Rainman about all of this. And, though I was worried he would be defensive and take it personally, he was so supportive and told me we would get through this. Hey...we got through Europe together right? Despite language barriers, late trains, bad hotel reviews, strange traffic signs, we were a team and enjoyed every little part of that journey. With that in mind, I know I can battle this thing that's causing me to be all over the place and is draining my energy.
So today, I thought about how maybe re-framing this whole scenario may help....instead of looking at the loss of Laura Brouwer, I have this great opportunity to create Laura Nelson.
What kind of person is Laura Nelson? What kind of wife is she? what kind of employee is she? what kind of mother could she potentially be? friend? family member? general member of society? It's going to take patience, some trial and error, and pushing myself in new directions, but I think Laura Nelson can be a pretty cool wife -- perhaps still stepping out of her sporty car in 5 inch heels when picking up her little one from soccer practice.