I want.

I want to read all of the books I am told about that sound intriguing and the ones I discover alone in out of the way bookstores. I want to be able to attend all of those pub nights, movie nights, name-that-tune-nights, karaoke nights. I want to sit in cute cafes sipping cups of coffee conversing with strangers about the deeper side of mundane things. I want to be swept away in a dark jazz club by the man I adore. I want to attend poetry slams, author readings, writers workshops. I want to practice yoga, to run, to play. I want to leisurely dine on delectable dinners by candle light. I want to sip wine in front of a warm fireplace while the snow envelopes the world in a cold hug. I want a cruiser bicycle with a basket to carry home my finds from the farmers market. I want to paint, colour, create. I want to hold hands while walking the dog through the park in the late summer evenings. I want to travel. I want adventures. I want to swim in the ocean and allow the waves to carry me. I want to relax in a hammock, swaying to a light warm breeze. I want to meet strangers on a train in another country that become lifelong friends. I want fresh flowers in my house at all times. I want a garden to cultivate a bounty of vegetables. I want to get lost in quaint towns on road trips. I want to laugh till I cry. I want kisses in the rain. I want to climb mountains with my lover, looking out at the world from high peaks. I want to give back to the world more than it has given me. I want to stay up late. I want to wake up early. I want to feel alive always.

April Volunteer Hours

United Way Committee: 1 hour meeting to start planning for 2012 campaign

Team McAwesome: Planning of breakfast, grocery shopping, organizing team for breakfast date: 1.5 hours
April 29 2012 Breakfast: 2 hours

EWIN: Coffee meeting with speaker for LinkedIn Lunch 'n Learn, facilitating/planning space and time for event: 1 hour
Committee  Meeting: 1 hour
LinkedIn Lunch 'n Learn: 1 hour

BBE: Selling tickets, promoting event, asking for prizing: 1 hour

Total Hours in April: 8.5 Hours


Total Hours to date: 25.5

I am still behind by 8 hours. But with Breast Brunch Ever happening this month, I have caught up for sure.

A Case of the Tuesdays

This is one of those days that a girl just needs to go home, cook herself a delicious meal of fish and vegetables, and get lost in a book, a movie or some painting. And maybe stop looking at her email every 2 seconds wondering if things will align and I can get the go ahead on a piece of a project that I have taken ownership of.

Dear Red Tape, why must you hinder good deeds? Le sigh.


UPDATE: Sometimes putting things out to the Universe helps them  move along faster. Excited that I can continue moving along in the project :)

A confession

I keep telling Rainman I am going to pack up my bookcases, leaving out books I haven't read yet as my summer reading, sorting through and donating those books I will never read again.

Yet, every time I stand in front of my little library, I am frozen.

These books tell the story of me in so many ways -- different phases in my life that I went through,  novels that I devoured, books that were painfully hard to get through. There are books that remind me of courses I aced in school, books that remind me of growing stronger while working through a very painful breakup, books that bring me back to my childhood.

These time capsules that opened my mind and allowed me to venture outside of the four walls of my apartment are all so very much a part of me. And thinking about putting each and every one of them into a box for the next four months or carting them off to be loved by a stranger fills me with a sadness. As though I am packing away a part of me as I get ready for this new adventure.

And because I feel so inept at packing up these objects that have filled me with life, I am afraid to invite Rainman to my apartment where he will see that I haven't followed through with what I keep saying I am going to do. I don't think he would fully understand the connection I have to characters and ideas that only exist in black and white, thus he would be perplexed with my paralyzed state.

I know they are going to a new home, a better home, a home of new adventures. I know I am going to a new home, a better home, a home of new adventures. And this whole thing feels very silly.

Yet, still, I find myself frozen.

know what's awesome?

...having only 1 source of debt to focus on because your recent tax refund allowed you to pay off nagging little loans AMD having a plan in place to take care of this final source of debt

...having the world align so that you have less stress on your plate for the summer

...being able to sell off the extra things you have around your house that just take up space

...spinach salad with cherry tomatoes, crumbled blue cheese and balsamic vinegar dressing

...being in love

...warm, sunny mornings while walking the dog

...your boyfriend attending the ballet for the first time and stating he could see himself attending others (as long as they are more modern than classic)

...having a group of awesome friends who love giving back, and brainstorming fundraising events with them while sipping mimosas. Also, if you're on twitter, follow our breakfast club that serves breakfast at Ronald McDonald House once a month (@teamMcAwesome1)

...sipping cold beer while lying in the bathtub reading

When the stars align

I believe in signs and symbols. As an English major, you have to be on the look out for every little symbol while analyzing literature to create a 10 page paper from a 3 line poem where no outside sources are allowed. I think this may have made me hyper-sensitive to reading into every day, normal seeming occurrences.

I was texting with Rainman the other night as we do, and I stated that I really do think we were fated to be together. When we first met, we were already in relationships with other people. We each broke it off with the other person (but not because of each other, those relationships had run their course). We both took time to figure out what we wanted. And here we are today, super happy, super in love, super ready to take on the next adventure (poor sentencing structure -- I do promise I studied English Lit though!!!). It just feels like all of these things happened so we could end up together. And I have never had so much in common with my partner  -- its uncanny how similar our backgrounds are, how much we adore the same things, how we know what catch phrase the other is saying and where it originated, etc. etc. etc.

We are preparing for the next step in our relationship and we are going to move in together. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit nervous when we first discussed this idea. The last time I moved in with a boyfriend, it was a disaster. This time feels right though. And again, it feels like all of the stars are aligning.

We received news today that we have a place to move into in September when our leases are up. A beautiful brand new place that we both fell in love with when we looked at it. A place that no one else has ever lived in. A place we can call home.

I am over-the-moon excited about this. He sent me a simple text this morning that it went through and I could get excited. I want to go home and start packing.

A new chapter of my life is about to start. And this time all of the great characters from the last chapter are in it! Thank you Universe. Thank you for making all of this happen for me.

Keep Calm and Wash your Dishes

When I was a kid, I hated that it was a requirement that every morning I make my bed once I get up and every night, as a team, my brothers and I had to clean the kitchen. It was such a ...well...for lack of a better word..chore! Why did I need to make my bed when I was just going to get back into it at the end of the day? And we had a dishwasher, so why did I need to learn how to scrub pots and pans (done last after glassware and plastics)?

My first few years as an adult on my own I rebelled! I wouldn't make my bed except for on clean sheet day (oh clean sheet day....the best day of the week). If I only had a dish or two I would wait until the sink was full (living on my own meant that I often only did dishes once a week too). I allowed laundry to pile up, took recycling in when there seemed to be no more room to squeeze one more recyclable in, and spent a lot of money buying things I already had because I simply couldn't find them under clutter.

I would say in April of 2010 is when I started to actually grow up/ clean up. I would say this came about from the overwhelmed feelings of my life spinning out of control as I navigated my way through the end of a four year roller coaster of a relationship. It was messy in my head as I tried to piece a life together from remnants of being part of a couple and new swatches of fabric of a life living alone. I read a quote somewhere that stated "messy bed, messy head" and that our physical environment is often a reflection of our emotional environment. And if I couldn't make a clean sweep of the thoughts swirling over and over in my head, at least I could scrub those pots and pans and feel a satisfaction of completing something.

I don't have quite the inner dialogue of memories fueled with anger and sadness in my head anymore. I worked through those and I am now in a very loving relationship filled with laughter and lots of give and take. Of course, like everyone else, my life is not perfect and there are many other things to worry and think about. What I learned from my experience of cleaning up my heart is that by making sure my bed is made every morning and my kitchen is clean before I go to bed every night, I have created structure in this crazy world. And I live my best life when my world has structure. Plus, I am always ready if friends want to drop by.

A made bed and a clean kitchen are my rules of adulthood. What are yours?

When I was 21

A man dressed up as a monkey delivered 21 helium balloons and sang happy birthday to me in a very posh restaurant. The maitre d' looked horrified and repulsed with the scene this monkey was causing. My boyfriend looked horrified and repulsed with the scene this monkey was causing. The patrons of the restaurant reluctantly joined in the singing. I smiled from ear-to-ear with glee that my step mother had arranged this for me to commemorate a milestone birthday.

I knew that night that the "relationship" I was in had to end. Not only did that boyfriend get angry from being embarrassed, but also made me pay for the birthday meal that he had arranged to take me out for. I'm not shallow and it wasn't about him paying or not paying, but it was a consistent factor in our relationship that he would arrange for us to do things that he couldn't afford and knew that I could. You can only give so much until you snap. It wasn't the first time I had wanted to not be his girlfriend. There had been a multitude of arguments and annoyances and times I had told him I didn't want to be with him, but he just wouldn't go. And I began to feel that I had made my bed.

The next morning, I woke up in his little apartment before he or his roommate had. I took my 21 helium balloons and went out on the balcony, releasing them to the Universe with the plea to give me strength to get out of this unfulfilled relationship. With a deep breath, I went back in and got ready for school. I had dreams and aspirations despite dating a boy who floated from job to job and had no real ambition.

That evening, I was at home when the phone rang. It was the boy calling from jail. He and his friends thought they could get away with doing something unbelievably stupid to make quick money and they were caught. He wanted me to send money. He wanted me to believe he had no idea this was planned. He wanted me to believe he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He wanted me to wait for him as he went to trial and served time. I believed that the Universe had delivered the sign that it had heard my plea from earlier. It was the cleanest and easiest break up I had ever gone through.

I have no idea where this boy is now. How his trial went. How long of a term he may have ended up serving. I can't state that this was the relationship that made me smarter in my choices of guys I dated as I went through two heart breaks after this. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and that the Universe often works in those little ways to guide us in the right direction even if we continue to consistently make choices that deter us from the right path.

I know that where I am right now, I am here because of choices made, but also because of choices others made too. And to get here was a bit of a winding trail. This is not the end, and I am sure it's very frustrating for the Universe to watch us all make choices that lead us away from our destined routes and create a mess for the Universe to take care of to get us back on track. I also know that one of the reasons the place I am in right now feels so wonderful is because of those choices made and the struggling and strife that I went through to fully appreciate every thing I have now. If I was supposed to still be with that boy, the Universe would have made it happen. But I wasn't. The Universe had better things in store for me.

Something to remember when you feel the struggles in life.