A is in London. He left yesterday at 6:00pm and I am missing him like crazy. I had my manager show me how to track a flight to make sure it landed safely. I keep checking my facebook to see if he left me a message. I know I should let him have his time to explore and discover another country and himself in the process. I am very afraid he might discover that he doesn't want me. So silly. A assures me that he loves me with all of his heart and he plans on spending the rest of his life with me. I get so insecure that one girl will bat her eyelashes, speak with an eloquent accent (although I suppose to my Newfoundlander boyfriend, my Albertan accent would be eloquent)and he will realize that I am just an ordinary girl-next-door. My mind is working over time. I know that he loves me, I keep telling myself that there is nothing to worry about, I am trying hard to remember to breathe.
Thinking about this most of the night and all of this morning, I have decided it is time to face my insecurities, shed my bad habit of second guessing my BF's motives, and grow up. How can i have a grown up relationship when I am a scared little girl clinging on for fear that he will find something better if I am not around? If that does happen, there is not much I could do about it, so why waste energy? Better to spend that energy showing him how much I love and appreciate him instead of looking for the reasons he would love and appreciate me.
He is gone for two weeks. I made it three weeks without him while I was in Latvia and it was hard, but I survived. I am stronger and I know he waited while I was gone. He wouldn't wait so he could rush off to some country to find a foreign woman. I need to use these two weeks productively. Finish some stuff around the house, work on some of my goals, maybe check out some things in the city I want to do (like go to the zoo). When A makes it home, I want to hear his adventures, but also want to let him know that I didn't just mope around for two weeks. I often fall into the trap of making my BF the focus of my life, waiting around for him, doing stuff for him, doing stuff with him. It's not bad to do this half of the time which is the point of a relationship, but I need to learn how to focus on me half of the time and when focusing on me, look at all of the other relationships I have in life and help them grow too. Maybe these two weeks will be good for me. The three weeks I had in another country was the start and now the two weeks in my own will help me more to become me...whoever she might be.
2 comments:
It's easy to get wrapped up in the emotional thoughts like that, I am guilty sometimes too.
I am sure A loves you and will come back missing you just as much as you miss him, with a little more Euro. culture. :)
Hey, I just wanted to say I just discovered your blog!! And also, just a few weeks ago I was going through something similar to you...like L said, its easy to get wrapped up with emotions. Whether its the crazy scenario you're creating in your head (such as the girl with the batting eyelashes and an accent, hehe), or just getting wrapped up in spending time ONLY with your guy. I've felt better since I stopped moping and got up to look for new things to try out.
Keep yourself preoccupied and he'll be back before you know it!
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