I should feel on top of the world. I had a super productive week: finishing a course in school, taking care of business at work,taking care of chores at home. I was able to spend an afternoon/evening with my best friend this weekend playing bocce ball, enjoying a festive spread of food, indulging in a few beverages. I made it to see the Body Worlds exhibit at the science centre before the exhibit was over. And I am leaving for Newfoundland tomorrow.
But instead I feel so...I don't know. Sad, lonely, ennui. None of these seem to be the right word for how I feel. I feel like my life is out of my control. And I should relinquish some control because the past has taught me the more I try to take charge of the future, my future, the more things don't go the way I played it out in my head.
I have no reason to feel out of control, because, all things considered, life is very good to me right now. I have created a plan for school and my finances with an October 1, 2010 start date so that I can start focusing on those two goals again. My job has again opened up with more possibilities and opportunities. My social life has a strong base that I can start building on, helping me create the life I want.
But today, I just feel so....helpless, and needy, and moody, and wishing that things were different somehow. That I was different somehow. I feel trapped today in my own life. I feel lame for feeling this way.
I kind of want to have a good cry, but have nothing to cry about.
I need a hug in the worst way. But even then, I know that after the hug is finished, I'll probably still feel this way, so what's the point?