"If you put me to the test, if you let me try"

risk   [risk]
noun

exposure to the chance of injury or loss; a hazard or dangerous chance

The idea for this post has been playing around in my mind for some time now. I'm sure it hasn't been hard to figure out from my blog, but I have been getting closer and closer with someone the last couple of months. The kind of closeness that creates flutters in my stomach, and smiles at the mere mention of his name, and just overall contentedness with everything and every one in life.

There was a little bit of fear there too. At the beginning. After months of feeling strongly, but no one being able to commit. I used a lot of strength to push away that fear and take a leap and hope for the best. So far, it's been bliss.

To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself. ~Soren Kierkegaard

With every relationship (romantic or platonic) comes risk. The risk of being let down. The risk of being rejected. The risk of being lied to, cheated on, and hurt. These risks are always possible as long as the relationship continues. People change, life paths alter, circumstances have things happen that a person may never have imagined he or she could have done. There's always that chance you could get hurt. Just like there is always that chance that everything is going to work out more amazing than you could have imagined.

If one is forever cautious, can one remain a human being? ~Aleksander Solzhenitsyn

This is probably one of the most mature relationships I have been in. Not saying that we aren't silly and teasing and laugh at inappropriate things at inappropriate times. But because I went through my heartbreaks where I continued the same behaviors and patterns on my partners expecting them to cater to what I thought I needed in the relationship, I learned that what I was continuing to hope for was insane (in Einstein's definition). This is the first relationship where I have not looked into his past and continued probing, looking for anything that would make me distrust him. This is the first relationship where I am not hyper-concerned with making plans for our future before we have even enjoyed today. This is the first relationship where I completely accept the way he is and accept that as we grow and develop, there will be change. He will not always be the same (his core values will be consistent, but his passions, hobbies,interests won't) and I find that exciting. This is the first relationship where I feel secure. Not because of the trust I have for him, but because I have finally learned to trust myself.

Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down. ~Ray Bradbury

I took a risk with Rainman. I was able to take the risk because I took a risk on myself and learned what I was made of first. And if it doesn't work out? I know that I am strong, smart and capable of taking more risks.

And so far, the ROI has been absolutely wonderful.

The Final Week

I looked at my calendar this morning. And then I looked at it again. A third time confirmed what I had feared -- it's the final week of summer.

Technically, being as I am not in school and have responsibilities that require me to have a steady income, care-free days of lounging around in the heat have not been a reality. I make a wish every night that this dream will come true, but alas, my eyes open up to another day spent in an air conditioned cubicle that is NO WHERE near windows. I do try to make the most of evenings and weekends, yet at the end of every summer, I still feel I squandered away precious extended hours of daylight and too-hot-to-sleep warm nights.

And here it is. The final week of summer before that feeling of a new year takes over. And leaves change into vibrant reds, oranges and yellows. And boots are needed to wear with my skirts. And I start missing the unbearably hot nights of August.

So many things I want to do with this week. Get in those rollerblading sessions over lunch hours. Reading a few extra chapters while sitting on my balcony, enjoying a freezie. Holding hands with Rainman while looking at stars and walking my dog. And of course, our long weekend road trip has me wishing it was already Thursday and we could be on the road.

This has been one of the best summer's ever. I just feel like there was so much more that could have been done. More street festivals attended. More bike rides through the park. More Sunday drives to explore little towns.

How was your summer?

The Basement

I'll be the first to admit that one of my favorite movie genres is the super gory horror movies. In fact, the more effed up a movie is, the more sadistic, the more I can't take my eyes of the screen. This doesn't mean I'm a Natural Born Killer, (in fact I watched that movie tonight and wondered how it is that someone could ever act like that), I think I watch movies like this (and it's so tame compared to some of the gorier movies I have watched) because I can't fathom the reasoning behind the logic that creates the monsters.

The thing that has me wondering how I can even stand horror movies (no matter how cheesy) is the couple of years I couldn't handle going into our basement. When we first moved into our very first owned home, one of the enticements was supposed to be this undeveloped basement. The enticement, I guess, was that we were allowed to do whatever we wanted with it. An extra bedroom? A playroom? Somewhere to store our junk without TLC showing up to do a Hoarders episode on us? All things I'm sure my parents consider when writing the cheque.

Our old house had a basement, in sense, I guess. It was just developed and considered the place my brothers and uncle slept, and where the family watched TV (God forbid, we set foot in the upstairs living room that was reserved for guests!!). The new house had a door that opened to a stairway, leading into a dark, empty space. Stephen King, R.L. Stine, and Christopher Pike had started to play with my mind by that time and the stairway only seemed to lead to something menacing (even though I wanted so bad for it to lead to a Narnia like setting!).

I can recall Muds (my mom) asking me to grab something from down there and my heart racing at the very thought. As a raised Catholic, I would pray and pray AND pray to God while opening the door that I would be safe. I had no idea what I thought might be lurking down there-- anywhere from poltergeists to rapists, I guess. Blessing myself before heading down the stairs, I would race for whatever was required from me and race back, thinking that at any moment, my last breath would come. Seriously...at times, I would time myself and even hold my breath.

As I got older, I got wiser (okay..well somewhat wiser, I became more daring anyway). And it seemed that once walls were built and a carpet laid down, the place seemed less menacing. Albeit, I was still scared. Once I learned I could get drunk down there without getting caught or in trouble, suddenly the demons left the scene (thought: do I drink not only cause it relaxes me BUT also because I believe it scares away the evil things???), and I was contented to spend hours in our basement. When my brother was allowed to move back home, the basement became his domain, and he and I would spend hours hanging out, drinking, watching tv, playing childhood games and jamming down there. The basement seemed suddenly less formidable.

When I moved in with my dad, he finished his basement and created a space for me. I was all too eager to not only have my own bedroom, but a living room as well. BUT, so many nights I would wake up screaming because it felt as though a person was standing next to my bed, scaring the shit out of me. Were we haunted or was my mind warped with reading too many "ghosts in the basement" stories? Hard to say. I was a tough little soldier though and continued living in his basement for a couple of years.

Where is all this coming from you might ask? Well, it's been hot as hell the last couple of weeks. I am having troubles sleeping in my apartment despite the fan and every window open. My pets are stressing out because it's been so hot. And all I can think about is how awesome it would be to have a basement to set up a bed in for a night or a couple of weeks so that I can get a decent night's sleep. And then, while lying awake in the heat thinking about this, I remember all of the nights and day that the very thought of a basement would paralyze me with fear and I wonder if I could really do it. Have I grown beyond being a scaredy-cat? Or am I now selfish enough that I would rather be able to sleep than worry if I might start talking through a Television to let my loved ones know that I need help? Hard to say, because even though I am the first to watch a gore fest, I also watch those gore-fests wrapped in a blanket unable to look away, and then stay up wondering all the possibilities of a different outcome.

I think I am still a chicken. But a tough little chicken that might be able to out-smart the basement demons.

The more things change, the more they stay the same....

I spent the afternoon with my new boyfriend at the beach. He's adorable! He is always smiling and showing off his one tooth and NOTHING made him happier than to gleefully scream while slapping the water. He has stolen my heart. He also happens to be one of my oldest friend's 8 month old son.

January, Ryder and I packed a picnic lunch and headed to the Sikome Aquatic Facilities (nee lake). January and I gossiped about life and love and where we were headed while lazily enjoying the sun. Ryder shamelessly flirted with me and decided his palate was too delicate to enjoy handfuls of sand. Later in the afternoon, my best friend (and oldest friend) Dan joined us.

As I sat with these two, I remembered afternoons spent at Sikome beach when we were younger. Nothing between the three of us has really changed, yet so much has changed for us individually. Dan is expecting his first child with his new bride and January is busy juggling mommy-hood while planning her Cuban wedding that is quickly approaching. We talked about our friend Kyle who is coming home after spending time in Thailand learning mixed martial arts before heading to Nigeria. And Ryan and I, focused on our careers. The 5 of us met at different stages of growing up, but in a way, grew up together.
January and I at our aftergrad party in 2000

These 5 people I can count on no matter where life takes me. I have gone weeks, months and years without seeing any of them, but somehow life's path throws us back together. There are so many memories that we share, and so many new ones we make every time we get together.

Dan, Kyle and I at our Grad Dinner and Dance, 2000

Dan's Wedding, 2010

January and I at my Ride to Conquer Cancer fundraiser, April 2010

January, Dan, Kyle and Ryan with dates at my Ride to Conquer Cancer fundraiser, 2010


True friendship is such a blessing and I am so happy to have been blessed to be surrounded with amazing, awesome people.

Gratitude

I am thankful for the way you reach for my hand when we are walking -- no matter where we are walking. If it's with the dog or through the parking lot or at the grocery store. Your hand always envelopes mine perfectly.


I am thankful for the way you laugh at my jokes. Even when they are silly play on words or even after I have to explain exactly how I reached the conclusion or how it tied in with what we are talking about.
You have the best laugh

I am thankful that you share my taste in movies. And television shows. And are easy-going enough to watch what I want even when it is not your taste.
I never feel like something I enjoy is boring you.

I am thankful that you took a chance on me. Even when you stated it wasn't a chance because I am the best. I know how risky it is to create a relationship.
I appreciate every moment you took that chance.

I am thankful for you.

You are the best.

Gucci Gucci

Like every young woman my age, the Queen of Pop influenced me in some way, shape or form. I remember my very first cassette tape was Like a Virgin and I would play it over and over and over on my double cassette player while creating new choreography to each and every one of her songs.

As I got older, her music fortunately grew with me as well. She was innovative and daring and crossed burned bridges to make an empire for herself. Truth and Dare is still one of my favorite documentaries and I would sneakily stay up late to watch The Girly Show on Much Music unbeknownst to my disapproving father. When she came out with Ray of Light, I was introduced to Trip Hop elements that further influenced my musical tastes.

An ex-boyfriend bought me her SEX book for Christmas one year. He searched all of the used book stores and made a multitude of phone calls to find it for me after hearing me casually mention that I would love to own it. His and my relationship ended, but I still love flipping through the pages of her coffee table book. It's probably the best present I have ever received in my life.

I have collected all of her CDs and most of her movies. Desperately Seeking Susan is a go-to for me when I am staying home sick OR need inspiration for an 80s themed birthday.

She has been one of the most constant elements of my life and no matter how many compilations she releases, she knows she can always count on me to purchase it. My one dream is to see her live before I die.

It's her birthday today.
Happy birthday Madonna.

Thank you for your pop-infused music that makes any day feel like summer.

It's Friiday, Friiiday, Gotta Get down on Friiday!

One day, probably in our future, this generation's kids are going to remember Rebecca Black's song as a throw back to 2011. We all do it -- reminisce about those pop culture items that shaped our youth. I was a child of the 90s and today, you can check out my guest post on Children of the 90s!

And as much as we shake our heads at the pop "sensation" that Rebecca Black became over night with her catchy tune, our parents and grandparents probably shook theirs at our obsessions. A PSA to give the kids some slack. We all turned out alright -- even with being influenced by Blossom and Six, and listening to our new Willy Smith CDs on repeat.

And if this is your first time here, thanks for stopping by!