Monday, October 25, 2010

"I know now that he doesn't exist..."

I stumbled upon the blog Le Love one afternoon and never looked back. It is one of my favorite blogs that I look forward to every day. It is a collective effort with reader submissions and truly shows that when it comes to matters of the heart, we really are all the same. Within every post, I find myself relating...from lust to love to heart break.

Today's entry had the line "I know now that he doesn't exist" and instantly I understood. Sometimes I think we want so much in a partner we look past all of the flaws and faults (which you should to a degree) and start only focusing on the things we like, creating this person in our mind based on minuscule characteristics. And then one day, you catch sight of who this person really is and it's the shock that the person doesn't actually fit into the mold you created that causes all of the pain and the heart break.

I know that I have done this in multiple relationships. Only focusing on the good and then surprised when the bad happens -- even though my gut was throwing up red flags all along. And then I blame the boyfriend for not being what I imagined him to be. Not fitting into the mold I created for him in my imaginary world of romance. No wonder our relationship failed!

When I read that line today, it hit me. He (that I love) doesn't really exist. And if he doesn't really exist, then how can I still be sad and hurt and angry? Things that aren't real, can't really hurt you -- right??

So then comes the bigger can I stop myself from doing this, creating this, pretending this, again and again? How do I train my eye and my heart to look at the entire person, not just the pieces that make me flutter with butterflies, and decide that his flaws are part of what I love too (because I know that everyone has flaws)? Does it just happen or do I need to re-train my brain?

I want to be fair to the next man that wins my affection. So that I can be fair to myself too.


Northern Living Allowance said...

What a great post! I'm going to have to check out the link, because this is something I do as well (I think everyone is guilty of it to differing degrees). I make up grand fantasies in my head about how he'll act, what he'll say or do, and then am consistently disappointed because none of it ever happens. My last relationship taught me more about myself and what *I* don't do and what I allow than all my others. It was a hugely valuable lesson and the main reason why I'm not angry at him. There are always two people in a relationship and those two make or break it; it's not always just one person's fault it doesn't work out.

I think the point where you like everything about the other person will be the point you realize that he's perfect for you. Flaws will always be there, but you'll stop noticing them so much or you'll shrug and say "it's just who he is."

Just my two cents.

Laura said...

I agree NLA. There will always be flaws...I just need to keep my eyes open and be more honest with myself about what I can live with and what I can't. And there will be that man who I think is absolutely perfect without being blind to anything about him.

Cinderita said...

Such a great post!! I have done that. I did that recently. Well this year anyway. It didn't give the object of my affection any room to breathe or mess up. I see now that he was never the guy for me, but I looked over all of the big stuff, and stuck to the little stuff. That so did not work. That was the last time I'll do that.

Reyna said...

Hi, I followed you over from Brandi.

When I read this post I thought of a blog I wrote that you might relate to on Aug.20th ,"Sometimes Your Knight In Shining Armor Is Just A Retard In Tin Foil."

I appreciate your honesty and insight.
I think you have a lot more wisdom within than you are aware of.

I could not see a way to follow you, but I will try to frequent your site.