Halloween

Today's work outfit consists of the following elements paired with a white t-shirt and cropped black pants:



I'm channeling a Charlie Chaplin type vibe. I wish I had a little fake moustache and a cane.

Tonight's outfit will consist of black and white stripes as I participate in my very first stag (I'm the only "lady" invited and it's a pub crawl). I foresee a gong show! The entire stag party has to dress as convicts.

Tomorrow's outfit will consist of a little sailor dress and hats.

Sunday's outfit will consist of sweatpants as I try to recover from what can only be an awesome weekend.

Happy Halloween Everyone! It's the most wonderful time of the year :)

Halloween Inspiration

Last night I had to release a web of frustration in my head. And so I perused my favorite sites of inspiration and decided what I needed to do was create something, do something nice for others and keep myself busy. Thank goodness for Bakerella's past Halloween blog posts. I stumbled upon this, hit up the grocery store and put together these guys:





Sorry for low quality pictures... I just used my phone to capture the scariness!
Also, why is black string licorice so hard to find in this city? Black licorice is the best and should always be in stock! Especially at Halloween time!

And the people in my department are very happy to receive a little Halloween treat today. Helping people feel happy makes me happy :)

cake for breakfast and pajamas in the afternoon, kind of times

This blog post is sponsored by the Universe who sent me a note this morning with that line in it. And although the Universe stated that it's triumphing over stress filled times that I will look back on fondly, I may have to disagree. Yes, I will be very proud of my accomplishments and my ability to grow and stretch to new levels. BUT, I will also be elated to look back on those days that I enjoyed delectable cake in the mornings, spent afternoons having PJ parties, lit sparklers for no particular reason and spent late summer evenings creating chalk murals on side walks.

Those are the memories that when I am 89 years old and hitting on cute young mailmen I will remember as I sip my rye-and-cokes and fill in crossword puzzles with dirty words.

Just saying Universe, we may have to compromise on today's message.

Mr. Sandman

Last night I suffered from crazy upsetting dreams. The kind where I woke up at least twice with tears streaming down my face. I know what most likely triggered the tumultuous emotional train wreck that took place in my head last night. I made myself focus on some of the uglier things of my past instead of just the rainbows and butterflies and told myself that I was worth more than those ugly things. That I should have stood up for myself a long time ago and believed that I was worth more than those things. That, quite possibly, because I didn't stand up for myself, a lot of respect was lost for me and said ugly things continued. Sorry for the ambiguity of this post, but I don't really want to get in to the details.
So, last night, I made myself write them all down. And told myself I was worth more than that. And I felt better. And went to bed. Except, that my subconscious wasn't quite ready. And so the dreams came.

What I remember the most in my dream was being in a hotel room (symbolic of undergoing some shift or transition, need to move away from old habits & old way of thinking*)and bawling, feeling lost, sad and angry (crying in a dream is symbolic of suppressed hurt coming to the surface). A friend of mine came by to gift me with presents -- nurturing things like bubble bath, fashion magazine (yes I believe those are nurturing), etc. (it's possible the gifts represented my need to take care of/ nurture myself or the symbolism of a present could be just that -- I need to focus on the present/the now/ the today). There was another scene where I was at a sushi restaurant (sushi symbolizes the need to acknowledge my spiritual side) with a group of people and we decided to move to the restaurant next door after our meal. Except one girl in the group refused so I told her she needed to suck it up and face whatever it was that was in the other restaurant that she was afraid of (this I believe was me yelling at a part of me about facing fears). Instead of the girl being mad and defensive, she went and was friendly to me (tough love works maybe?).

Today, I feel tired. But renewed with what possibly my dream is telling me. And today, I start building myself up. Creating a confidence that shows the world that I am beginning to believe that I am worthy.

*all dream symbol analysis was found using a little tool I love on the Internet called Google. Google, you complete me

"I know now that he doesn't exist..."

I stumbled upon the blog Le Love one afternoon and never looked back. It is one of my favorite blogs that I look forward to every day. It is a collective effort with reader submissions and truly shows that when it comes to matters of the heart, we really are all the same. Within every post, I find myself relating...from lust to love to heart break.

Today's entry had the line "I know now that he doesn't exist" and instantly I understood. Sometimes I think we want so much in a partner we look past all of the flaws and faults (which you should to a degree) and start only focusing on the things we like, creating this person in our mind based on minuscule characteristics. And then one day, you catch sight of who this person really is and it's the shock that the person doesn't actually fit into the mold you created that causes all of the pain and the heart break.

I know that I have done this in multiple relationships. Only focusing on the good and then surprised when the bad happens -- even though my gut was throwing up red flags all along. And then I blame the boyfriend for not being what I imagined him to be. Not fitting into the mold I created for him in my imaginary world of romance. No wonder our relationship failed!

When I read that line today, it hit me. He (that I love) doesn't really exist. And if he doesn't really exist, then how can I still be sad and hurt and angry? Things that aren't real, can't really hurt you -- right??

So then comes the bigger question....how can I stop myself from doing this, creating this, pretending this, again and again? How do I train my eye and my heart to look at the entire person, not just the pieces that make me flutter with butterflies, and decide that his flaws are part of what I love too (because I know that everyone has flaws)? Does it just happen or do I need to re-train my brain?

I want to be fair to the next man that wins my affection. So that I can be fair to myself too.

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

Some things are better left unsaid. It doesn't mean I don't think about it.

Sometimes....

...I think it would be cool if my life were like a snow globe. I could shake it up and it would be beautiful and all the pieces that suck could fall elsewhere.

...I think about how it takes 9 months for a single cell to develop into a full human. And I think about how much I need to accomplish in the next 9 months. And I have hope that I can complete everything I want to on time.

...I think about what I wanted in life 9 months ago. And how much has changed. And I get nostalgic and sad, even though there have been some amazing things. I wish I could have had my cake and ate it too.

...I think too much.

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile

When I think back to the moment I crossed the finish line after riding 220 km and raising over $3000 for cancer research, I smile. The hard work I put into achieving this helped me realize that anything is possible.

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member

My sweet little cousin who is now expecting a baby brother or sister in the Spring!

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you

These guys mean the world to me

Day 25 - A picture of your day

After a productive day of training a new sales team, I am ready to curl up, complete some reading before heading out for dinner. And I love this chair in my hotel room. I wonder if they'll notice if I check out with it....

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change

picture credit

I think all of us wish we could change the heartbroken emo that lives within us and emerges from time to time.

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite quote

Photo Credit

I don't know if I would ever tattoo this...but now I am thinking about it.

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at

Letting go of the past
picture credit

Day 21 - A picture of your goals in life

My number one focus right now

Thankful Tuesday: Inspiration

In the many hours I spend working on my surfing skills (of the Internet), I discover sites, blogs, pictures, ideas, etc. that cause me to dream and wonder and think about the kind of life I want and how to get there. This morning, I visited a blog (.turningpages.) I recently discovered through some chain of events that I can't really remember now and Annie wrote about having to come up with a plan for school. Which led her to think about what her curriculum would be if she had to choose classes for the school of life. Her list includes fun "classes" like Cooking with Friends, International Travel and Children's Lit(I actually studied a Children's Lit course and highly recommend!).

I love this! And I started thinking about what Life courses I would have. Like Annie,I want to attend Cooking with Friends. I also would like the following on my list:

Cooking with Friends (includes special Christmas Baking with Friends workshop every year)
Putting the Fun in Fundraising: planning events that people love attending for great causes
Freelance writing while sitting in a beach chair: How to get there
Road Trips: The Art of Discovering the Hidden Gems Everywhere
Decorating: How to turn your apartment into the place that makes you happiest (with a special "Don’t be afraid to use colour" work shop!)
Understanding Films (with a major concentration on 80s adventure films)
Dance: Grooving the night away to killer live music at your favorite drinkin’ holes
Money Management 101: How to do everything you want while on a budget
Conquering Fear: Getting out there and doing it today!
Travel: See New Parts of the World 4 Times a Year!

What classes would you want to attend to help you get the life you love?

And a shout out to Annie (who I have never met or talked to before). This Thankful Tuesday, I am thankful for stumbling upon your blog.

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

To answer this with one picture means a globe. I want to travel every where.

Top 5 places on my list today (this changes, sometimes hourly):
Ireland
Thailand
New Orleans (for Mardi Gras!)
Australia
Paris

Day 19 - A picture of your night

My evening consisted of this:



I recently watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist and it reminded me in so many ways about Adventures in Babysitting. And it turns out that my memory was right this time- the movie still rocks!

Also, I love that the cover art for this movie does not even depict Elisabeth Shue's outfit in the movie...minor details. Meh!

Day 18 - A picture of your day

Spent the day preparing my freezer for a busy winter. This is meat lasagna...vegetarian lasagna up next as well as mini quiches and possibly home made pizza pops.

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

I felt so free and at peace. I miss it

Weekend Plans

I could throw myself an awesome pity party...because that is how I am feeling today. Complete with pity-sparklers, maybe a glow stick or two and lots of wine (whine??).
Instead I am going to go and see my favorite person from Niagara Falls who is in town tonight at my favorite bar. He'll surely turn this inner frown upside down (or at least help me drink this mood away). Dr. Monkey Beerson....get ready to rock and roll!

And it's a long weekend bitches! Which I am going to jam pack with exhilarating games of Tetris on my ol' xbox, some massive cooking to fill my freezer, walks in the park with Molly to find sweet benches to sit at and work on my school work. And probably a drunken heart-to-heart with myself about this life of mine.

I'm feeling mighty sad these days with no real reason. Well there are reasons, but not good ones -- I am feeling some major fear at work that I might not be good enough for my job (and my counterparts may discover this!), I am worried about not obtaining my degree ever and have thus relied on procrastination to paralyze me, I suck at parking, and I just don't feel connected to my people lately. I don't really feel connected to anyone lately. I kind of feel like I was thrown off my boat with no life jacket and I just realized I still haven't learned to swim (note: I really should sign up for swimming lessons).

Oh, and I keep saying things to some one that might be hindering me from the future I want. Because I am a dumb ass that can't just chill out.

*sigh*

Good thing I am not having that pity party till later this weekend!

I wish....

...that I was in a position (and had enough courage) to just pack everything up and start a new life elsewhere.
...that I didn't feel all of these obligations
...that I could say what I really feel on my blog, but now that it is being narced (possible word having to do with narcs....) out and I don't want any drama in my real life I can't.
...that I didn't feel so much and could just shut my brain off

Day 16 - A picture of something crazy you have done

Unfortunately dear Internets,

I do not take pictures of the crazy things I do.
In fact, many times I am not even aware of the crazy things I do until the following day, week, month, etc. when someone I was with brings said crazy thing up and I look at this someone with a blank stare. My motto is if you're too drunk to remember it, it never happened.
Today's challenge can not be met.

My sincere apologies.

Laura

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die

I want to ride an Asian Elephant in Asia and an African Elephant in Africa. One day, this will come true.....

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

This is a tough one. I don't feel there is any one person that I could imagine never having in my life.

I could put a picture of these two who created my life:



Or a picture of this girl who makes me sparkle:


Or a picture of these guys who teach me about love every minute of the day:


Or a picture of any of the countless number of people in my life that I don't want to ever not have in my life.

This would be an easier challenge (oxymoron!) if it was posting pictures of people you wish had never been in your life -- the toxic ex, the "friend" who had used you, the kid who bullied you.

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist

Know how all of the pop tarts of our generation claim that their number one influence growing up was Madonna? Yup, I'm one of those girls too.



I have every album she put out, one of my favorite movies is Desperately Seeking Susan and an ex-boyfriend hunted down a rare copy of her Sex book for me one Christmas (one of the best presents I ever received, not only for its awesomeness, but also for the thought and effort that went into it). Whenever I am kind of having a crap day, I put on the Immaculate Collection and instantly feel happier.

You are free to judge me now.

Dear Monday

Can you kindly throw yourself off a cliff? I have had about enough of you today.

Sincerely,
Laura

Dear creepers of my life,

Say hi. Don't just creep. Especially, don't creep then talk about me to other people who then come back and tell me about it. It's kind of creepy. And yes, I am aware that part of being a creeper is that you will be creepy. Actually, you know what? Creep away. Talk about me. Who's really the more lame one??

Sincerely,
Laura

Dear money fairies,

Can you please correspond with the travel fairies and get me out of here? I would much rather be riding an elephant, sitting in a cafe, perusing a local market or even letting rumors be created about me, then to be here facing this Monday.

Sincerely,
Laura

Dear Meatball Stew in my Crock Pot,

I can't wait to come home. Please greet me with a lovely aroma and please pair nicely with the bottle of cheap wine I plan on bringing home to wash away this day.
Thanks.

Sincerely,
Laura

Day 12 - A picture of something you love

"If there was never any change, there wouldn't be butterflies"

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate

The doors slide close. Trapping inhabitants within its walls. Relinquishing all control and relying on man's machinery to work. The walls start to feel as though they are closing in as the machine moves the inhabitants to their destination. Strangers stand together. The probability they will leave the machine as strangers is high. The possibility they will be stuck together can be frightening. Watching the light move horizontally, silently praying as though each lit circle is a bead on one's rosary, hoping that the doors will re-open and let air into the chamber. Usually no longer than 2 minutes of anxiety, yet feels like a life time. Elevators, I hate you.

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most fucked up things with

ME! I sometimes don't make the best decisions, and have been described as a gong show. I just believe that you only live once so you should make it fun. Sometimes though, I look back and think how lucky I am that I have never seriously been in trouble. I also sometimes think that I was the bad influence kid your parents warned you about. My heart is in the right place though.