Friday, April 16, 2010

Happy with my choice

I made a decision. I was on the fence for so long. I kept trying to mold myself into someone I wasn't, letting someone else have the ball in his court and decide what would happen. I was becoming a person I didn't like who was just floating, barely staying above water. I made the decision to sever a relationship I have had for many years. One that I kept hoping that I could make perfect again. One that kept getting more and more frayed every time it went through the ringer. I completely cut off contact with the ex.

I didn't talk a lot on here about what was going on in that department. How do you explain to people you never met (and my close friends who read this!)that you keep trying to keep together a relationship with someone who doesn't know what he wants and keeps telling you he doesn't want you (and then he does, and then he doesn't)? I'm not going to lie - my own embarrassment of not having control on this situation caused me to isolate myself from friends and not tell anyone how really crazy and insecure I was feeling trying to convince someone to stay with me. My isolation made it hard to tell people that I was mostly spending my evenings crying and scheming on how to make it all work out. I shake my head as I write this because I hate the person I was becoming.

So I made a decision. I decided that I loved me enough to find happiness. And that meant letting him go. And maybe I won't find what I want by leaving him, but he kept telling me I wouldn't find what I want being with him either. I took a leap. A daring, scary leap. And right away, I was pretty sure I made the wrong decision. But I decided to change the role I always play in our relationship cycle and not call him, begging him to stay.

Things are good. It's like all of these doors are opening. By not fixating on my phone and waiting for him to call or text or communicate, I have been able to focus on some other things. I feel really good about this decision. Really good. Sometimes I get a little bit sad thinking about what could have been, but then something happens and I get really excited for what's going to be.

I made a decision. And the act of finally making a decision has been so liberating. I am so excited about the future.

I am participating in The Ride to Conquer Cancer. If you would like to sponsor me, click here


Anonymous said...

Bravo! I got into a loop like this with my Ex and it took a long time to just say No to trying anymore. Because I realized I deserved someone who wanted me, and that begging wasn't very flattering. Stick to your guns. It will pay off in the end.

Janine said...

I am SO SO SO SO Proud of you for realizing your worth, and lovability. You have so much to offer and I'm excited to see where life takes you in this new chapter!!! I hope that each day it gets easier for you... until he is just a somewhat fond memory and learning experience from your past.

Much Love.

Northern Living Allowance said...

Wow! Hang in there, Arual! You've done a huge thing and it will take time to separate feelings (I know I'm still having trouble), but I am 1000% behind you. Look at the lessons you've learned, the ones you need to hold on to, to learn to value and love and trust yourself and your feelings and know that you deserve SO MUCH BETTER!! Stay strong!! {{{hugs}}}

QL girl said...

Good for you! You made a very tough decision, and I'm thrilled to see that you're excited about what the future might hold! Best of luck!

Sadako said...

So awesome that you've made a good choice for yourself. It's really hard to but has to be done, you know?