Saturday, January 29, 2011

It sure is eye-opening....

...when you are in the middle of a shower and you suddenly realize that you are letting your heart hurt over someone you are not even sure you even liked the entire time you were together.

Since day one I was second to someone else and watched him walk in and out. Yet kept compromising myself for him. No wonder people thought I was crazy! I was.

I am tired of lamenting about wasted time and broken promises. He showed me week one that we were together that I wasn't important enough. Like so many other girls, I was stupid and thought I was special enough that he would change his mannerisms. That he would wake up suddenly and realize that I deserved to be number one. And the only way I would be there to see him do this is if I constantly stuck around. Which allowed him to continue leaving me lower and lower on his priority list.

All I can do is laugh at myself. It's like a sad, dark comedy. Where I got more and more insane living in this fantasy world where he would stop hurting me. And I think back now and I didn't even really like him that much.

What is wrong in this world, where we allow ourselves to constantly be hurt by someone who we know is a d-bag. I know for me, I wanted to prove everyone who told me he was a d-bag wrong. I wanted to show them that I was so special that he changed his d-bag ways. I wanted to show them that I don't make wrong decisions. Oh Pride, how you lead me astray at times.

And now, I know I am actually not even sad about that lost relationship. I am sad that I wasted so much time on someone who was not even nice to me. Any nice thing he ever did for me was because of guilt. He felt guilty that he had put me last and tried to make up for it with trips and gifts and all sorts of bullshit when all I wanted was to be number one in his life. He couldn't do it.

I have had a moment of clarity and I need to be strong enough and trust myself enough to know that leaving him was the best decision I ever made.

1 comment:

She-Ra said...

I think a lot of people can relate to this entry, including myself. At least you had the strength to walk away; a lot of people don't.