Feel Free to Judge...

... I have been watching a marathon of 16 and Pregnant to fully understand the new cast of Teen Mom 2. And I have kind of turned it into a drinking game. As trash-tastic as this show is, I also find myself tearing up in quite a few of the episodes.

And so far, my d-bag of the season awards go to:
Josh (Season 2, episode 2) - this dude would break up with his prego g-friend so he could date some other girl and then go back to prego g-friend. He stands Nikkole up after the homecoming dance. And while she is in labour, he complains she is taking up too much of the hospital bed and gets into a fight with her mom while Nikkole whimpers between labour pains, pleading for him to stop it. This kid deserves to be punched in the face.

Adam (Season 2, episode 4)- this kid gets mad when his gf actually has a life. He tells her dad he is going to be there for her, but then decides his car is more important than his little girl. He is also super charming when he sends a text message to Chelsea telling her she is a bad mom for going to a football game with her friends, and that he wants to sign away his mistake. The worst part is that in Teen Mom 2, she is in the process of taking him back! I feel she should re-watch her episode of 16 and Pregnant, Clockwork Orange style.

Alex (Season 2, episode 12)- he spent money on new Nikes while the baby still didn't have a stroller. Priorities boys! Plus, he told his friends that living with a girl sucks. Word of advise? Don't knock her up if you don't plan on a life long commitment, even if you're not together you will still have a little being connecting you.

I have been sort of jumping from episode to episode, not really watching anything in order (thanks mtv.ca for just having this online!) and when I watched Ashley's episode where her aunt and uncle adopt her baby, I cried and cried as she became more and more depressed about her decision. Then I found her blog online (thanks Twitter!) and even though its been over a year, she is still very sad and unsure about her decision.

I need to find a nice white-trash episode to make me feel better -- or maybe some Jersey Shore.

Also, I will most likely update my douche bag list. The night is young.

It sure is eye-opening....

...when you are in the middle of a shower and you suddenly realize that you are letting your heart hurt over someone you are not even sure you even liked the entire time you were together.

Since day one I was second to someone else and watched him walk in and out. Yet kept compromising myself for him. No wonder people thought I was crazy! I was.

I am tired of lamenting about wasted time and broken promises. He showed me week one that we were together that I wasn't important enough. Like so many other girls, I was stupid and thought I was special enough that he would change his mannerisms. That he would wake up suddenly and realize that I deserved to be number one. And the only way I would be there to see him do this is if I constantly stuck around. Which allowed him to continue leaving me lower and lower on his priority list.

All I can do is laugh at myself. It's like a sad, dark comedy. Where I got more and more insane living in this fantasy world where he would stop hurting me. And I think back now and I didn't even really like him that much.

What is wrong in this world, where we allow ourselves to constantly be hurt by someone who we know is a d-bag. I know for me, I wanted to prove everyone who told me he was a d-bag wrong. I wanted to show them that I was so special that he changed his d-bag ways. I wanted to show them that I don't make wrong decisions. Oh Pride, how you lead me astray at times.

And now, I know I am actually not even sad about that lost relationship. I am sad that I wasted so much time on someone who was not even nice to me. Any nice thing he ever did for me was because of guilt. He felt guilty that he had put me last and tried to make up for it with trips and gifts and all sorts of bullshit when all I wanted was to be number one in his life. He couldn't do it.

I have had a moment of clarity and I need to be strong enough and trust myself enough to know that leaving him was the best decision I ever made.

Finger painting

One thing that I truly love about my iPad is the Doodlebuddy App.

I can spend hours using my fingers to make lines, smudge colors, create impressionistic art and let creative energy literally pass from my fingertips to the canvas without so much as getting one drop of paint or streak of marker on me. I have never been a neat person when it come to coloring and somehow always ended up with more color on me than the paper. Doodlebuddy allows me to spend an afternoon in a coffeeshop coloring without having to worry that I will meet someone with marker all over my face.

I believe this App is also on the iPhone too. What better way to pass time in a doctor's office or on the bus than coloring?


Also, Dear Rainman, I miss you.

Good Bye Mrs. Weatherbee (Nee Grundy)

It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I have loyally followed the kids from Riverdale's lives since I was a child. Yesterday I was at the grocery store and picked up the latest issue of Life with Archie: The Married Life.

The first story where Archie is living out his married life with Veronica followed the mayoral race between Marmaduke "Moose" Mason and three-term mayor of Riverdale Murray Ruskin (now you know that Moose's real name was Marmaduke if you didn't already). Moose wins after Ruskin inadvertently reveals his connections to fraud and corruption (which also has something to do with Mr. Lodge!!!!). The segment ended with Reggie being arrested.

The second story follows Archie and Betty's married life. And this issue was heartbreaking. Mr Weatherbee and Miss Grundy married near the end of the "Will you Marry Me" storyline. And the newlywed Mrs. Weatherbee finds out she has cancer. She keeps it a secret from everyone except her husband because she didn't want anyone worrying or feeling sorry for her. The segment has the entire gang sitting in the hospital waiting room reminiscing about tid bits of advice that Mrs. Weatherbee provided to each character through out the years. They are all passing time waiting for any (hopefully good) news about her condition as she lies in a hospital bed.

I teared up when Jughead and Midge (married now) receive a phone call at Jughead's Chocklit Shoppe and are asked to get to the hospital as soon as possible. I had full on tears streaming down my cheeks as Mr. Weatherbee informs the group that she has lost her battle with cancer and is gone. And I could barely read the words of the story during her funeral.

As always, Archie comic books have provided me with more life lessons and Mrs. Grundy-Weatherbee will be missed. She was hard on her students, but only because she believed in each and every one of them and the potential for greatness that each person is capable of.

Best piece of advise from this issue is when Veronica has a flashback and Archie is driving off with Betty which upsets her. Miss Grundy tells Veronica that she is an enabler of Archie's behavior and because Veronica "and Betty are so afraid Archie will choose the other girl, [they] let him get away with his childish behavior."

Thank you Miss Grundy. Your words always had an impact on me as well.

Shooting Rage

Bullets with Butterfly Wings
Super excited to shoot!

I have had a crazy last two weeks with a lot of change (mostly at work). When DP and RF called me this morning to see if I wanted to go learn how to shoot a gun at the Shooting Range, I jumped on the chance. It's on my 30 before 30 and I thought it might be a great way to release some feelings I have about all of this change.

What I learned today:
1) I am shake-y as hell when shooting a gun (it was just a little 9mm)
2) Instead of hitting the target, I kept shooting the picture of Jason Statham (Freudian slip??)
3) I have the greatest best friends in the world. I have know DP since I was 10 and RF since the beginning of high school. This was a first experience for all three of us and I am super stoked we experienced it together.

And true to my nature, as soon as we were done playing with guns, I went to a baby shower where I enjoyed looking at cute little clothes for my friend's anticipated arrival.

DP
RF
ME
My Target Sheet

Oh emm gee!!

I'm hella excited. I was sent a link to the wickedest website ever. Feel free to take a walk down memory lane peeps!

http://imremembering.com/

found an old school mate's blog...

...and I realized that I am not the only one "left behind" in life. It's interesting to note that, albeit our paths in life are different, we are at similar milestones. And in a graduating class of over 1000 people, there is a good chance that I am on a similar path as many of my peers. It's okay that I am not in a relationship, or not married, or don't have an offspring. If those things are supposed to happen, they will. I'm not left behind which makes it feel better and I feel less pathetic.

She refers to her blogging journey as creating a new and improved version of herself and I think it's interesting that when we all feel like we aren't on the same path as our peers, we instantly want to change ourselves. To fit in, to have what they have, by being like them.

I am a victim of this change idea too. I constantly make lists and plans of what I need to do to be better. But really, I'm pretty awesome. I have a giant heart that still remains open even after being broken (silly heart, when will you learn?), I am super creative, I have a great job, I have great friends, I have a dog and kitty who rely on me and are very forgiving. I am also fairly witty, know what the cool kids are up to, and smart enough to make my own decisions on what is cool or not.

Yes, I have my faults. I have trouble letting people and things go. I suffer from maybe one too many pity parties. I worry too much if people like me, never asking myself if I even like said person. I do not handle my emotions well, and when I am angry, disappointed, sad, lonely or sometimes even bored, I tend to cry ( thus the pity parties). I also suffer sometimes from foot-in-mouth disease.

But those things help make me ME, and shouldn't I accept the bad with the good? And if I am more accepting, focusing mostly on the good, then maybe the bad will not seem so bad?

It's crazy how in one hour, one can go from thinking she needs to change everything about herself, to realizing she needs to start accepting everything about herself. If I start accepting it, then others will too. I shouldn't have to apologize for being me.

Finicky Ficus

Earlier this week I was sure I had murdered my Ficus tree. Or was at least an accomplice to the murder of my Ficus tree (I feel Oryx also had a hand in this too as he keeps thinking the tree is actually his private jungle gym). Only two green leaves remained on the bleak, lifeless branches. Google informed me that having at least one green leaf did mean that there was life still in the trunk of the tree, but I worried about its soul.

Last night I was sitting in my new favorite chair (more like a nest really) under the tree reading. I have my best lighting there to simulate sunshine in my North-facing darkened apartment. I stretched at one point, and looking up I noticed little bits of green sprouts shooting off the naked branches! EXCITING! I know it may take months for this tree to fully recover from whatever shock it was that caused it to lose all of its leaves, but it's inspiring to see some growth.

I am a lot like this Ficus. I went through a bit of a shock last Spring. And tried my hardest to not allow it to affect my outward appearance, but tired of keeping up a facade, I finally let my leaves drop off so that I could focus on nurturing my soul. Some days are harder then others. Some days it feels as though I am lifeless, cold and stagnant. Those are the hardest days and I struggle to not allow those feelings to cover me like a large blanket in false protection from the outside world.

Other days, I catch my reflection by surprise and I see tiny little sprouts of growth. Those days are filled with me smiling and laughing. I truly feel alive and in love with my life. Those are the days that I realize that there is still energy left in my core and I can handle whatever shocks come my way. I may react by becoming somewhat deciduous, but the seasons will change and soon enough I will be vibrant and hearty again.

Lyrical Lattes

Dolly posted this video on her blog so if you follow her, you most likely have already listened. Thanks Dolly for sharing this with me! And now, I share it with you all.



When I first listened to this song, it sent chills down my spine. I have always been drawn to this kind of sound in music...sort of dark, etheral, melodic type stuff (hence my love affair with Massive Attack, Portishead and Bat for Lashes). I listen to this song on repeat and the lyrics, albeit sad, make me feel stronger. It's like a beautiful disaster. Without the heart break, the poetry couldn't exist.

And one of the things I love to remind myself of when I am having a pity party for one, is that most great art (whatever the medium may be) is the result of heart break. And this song reminds me that sometimes love is not about being safe. You have to take a risk (which could lead to heart break) if you want to truly feel love. It's scary.

If you know any other musicians that have a similar sound, let me know. I love discovering new music (which is why I heart grooveshark!).

Do you have less than a minute?

The Alberta Cancer Foundation needs your help to win $100k from Pepsi (and just so we are clear, I still don't like Pepsi, but I can't help who runs these programs).

They (the Alberta Cancer Foundation) host the "World's Longest Hockey Game" to raise money for cancer research and equipment. Their goal this year is to raise $1 million for new equipment that can aid in administering radiation therapies to cancer patients.

For 10 days straight, 40 men will lace up and play in shifts for a 240+ hour hockey game, braving the prairie winter elements in the hopes to raise the money needed. The Alberta Cancer Foundation would like the $100k from Pepsi to help with the building of the rink, the food on sight, and equipment for the players.

It takes less than 1 minute to vote and you could help the people that cancer affects every day. In Alberta alone, they estimate that 16000 people will be diagnosed with cancer this year. What's one less minute of your facebooking time?

Go here to vote. And remember that you can vote once a day :)

And this is why I love the girls from the Shore

If you can laugh at yourself, you're awesome

Casual Friday

Snooki released her book, millions of birds and fish drop dead, and Mark Twain rolls over in his grave*. It's been a crazy start to 2011

Can I start by saying that although I am not expecting any sort of literary masterpiece, I am kind of curious about Snooki's book? And her release also has me thinking that if she can write a book, what in the world is stopping me from writing a book? I think I need to do some laundry, hit up the gym and then maybe meditate over this while soaking in some artificial rays at the tanning salon. I might even feel a stab of inspiration to write a story about a group of kids who work at a gelato place in Miami over a few weeks during winter break in between copious shots and smooshes. Somethings missing though...possibly highlight their pride in their ethnicity? What's that? It's been done? F@#K!

And, the same week she releases a book, the "new" Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is released as well. Twain wrote this book as a social commentary using the common language of the day. And yes, the words he used are a bit "uncomfortable," but doesn't that say something about how our society has grown and changed? We can't erase the past, but we do need to embrace it. And part of the point of Huck's adventures is Huck realizing that Jim is more than property, but a person who deserves his freedom. That's way more important than what words are used or were accepted at the time of writing (and I better not find any mention of the derogatory word "guido" in Snooki's masterpiece).

That said, if we are now censoring a great piece of literature, we must also start censoring some of the greatest poets of the 20th century. No longer when I am listening to gangster rap, do I want to hear the "N" word and would like all prior instances replaced with the word slave so that it is a little less "uncomfortable."

How do birds and fish tie into all of this you ask? Well, is it really any coincidence that the same week the literary world receives a harsh blow, the animals start protesting through mass suicide? I don't believe in coincidences.

Finally, because we are talking about the use of the "n" word, I am including the most Penguin-Awesome video of 2011 to date. Please note that this uses a lot of inappropriate language. Viewer discretion is advised.



*I assume...because who wants to have someone change the wording of your book after it's been a best seller for hundreds of years. Next thing, we'll re-write Paul's million letters to everyone in the Bible and World War II.

My Confession

I don't only write here. I have two other blogs, for my eyes only, where I write exactly what I feel, think, want, love and hate. I have kept a diary since...well...it seems like forever. From writing about my days on the playground, to what boy I thought was cute to what teacher I felt was out to get me. To trying to make sense of my parents divorce, my brother being taken out of our home, my parents meeting new people and how that affected my head and heart. To my own first, second, third etc. etc. heart break. To trying to reach goals and deciphering messages of my dreams and making sense of messed up memories that kept surfacing when I was in my early 20s.

I like writing here. And having people comment. And sharing my ideas on this little piece of the world I have. But there are parts of me that I don't like sharing. Yet I need to release those parts onto paper as well so I created a private place for those thoughts to be.

Sometimes I think about opening those other two blogs to see what the world would think. Combining all three into a complicated picture of me and allowing all critics to pick me apart, highlighting my best parts, trashing my shameful parts. But, I have people I know who read this. Would they be okay with me opening those other parts of my life? Would they really want to know the reactions I have to their actions? Or exactly want to see just how ugly my life has been?

Do you have other private places you write? Are you okay with the world peering into every aspect of your life? Do you censor some of what you want to write?

3 A.M.

Le sigh.

Dear sleep,

I miss you. I miss having consistent rendezvous avec you. I keep telling my brain to shut off, but she is not listening and here I am, wondering if it's better just to get up now in order to avoid finally passing out and being late for work. Can I make a deal with the Sandman? Can I promise him my soul if he will provide me with 6-8 hours of sleep every night for the rest of my life?

Consider my offer, dear Sleep. It will be beneficial to both of us.

Sincerely,
LB

Breakfast of Champions

Today my "Tip for a Happy Heart" informed me that I should "Never underestimate [my] capacity for change."

Thanks Quaker Oatmeal.

Looking forward to little changes this year. Little changes that will create a better me. Starting off with actually eating breakfast every morning instead of copious amounts of coffee that get me through to about lunch time.

And if you're looking for some inspiration on Fresh Starts, check out this post!