In May 2008, A and I climbed Sulphur Mountain in Banff. Which really means we followed the walking trail to the summit (no rock climbing for this girl).
Last night I realized that our relationship and life in general was a lot like climbing that mountain.
There were signs at the beginning of the trail that said avalanche warning and recommended we didn't use the path. We took the risk and started our hike. As we progressed higher and higher, the path was covered more and more with snow. Many times A wanted to turn back,but I persisted, encouraging him with enticements of the view from the top after we made it. About three-quarters of the way up, the path was completely snow covered. With deep snow. We would walk along and every so often step in a soft part and be up to our hips in snow. It would take just as long to turn back as it would to complete our hike so we kept going.
There were many breaks along the way. And we would stop and enjoy the amazing view of the Rockies. We were soaked in snow, and tired from hiking. When we reached the top we looked back at what we had accomplished. We were sitting on top of the world, and we earned the beer we drank while sitting there. We looked from every angle at the journey and the distance we had traveled with pride. Holding his hand up there made me realize how we had completed that together.
A has convinced himself that he doesn't want to stay (after convincing himself that he couldn't possibly leave last year). It's a roller coaster ride. A part of me wants to get off, sit on the love swans for a while and just float around the amusement park called life. He moved all of his stuff out Sunday morning.
I honestly feel like he had one little bit of insecurity about the future (and don't we all battle that --sometimes daily, sometimes in a blue moon), and decided he had to get out.
Maybe it's for the best. Maybe I will look back in a week, a month, a year and think "yes, it was for the best because we never tried to make it work after the honeymoon phase." My gut says that A is my soul mate. That we have gone through so much trial and tribulation because it is supposed to be something. Crazy? Probably.
Last night I thought about the time we climbed the mountain together. How hard it was at times. How much he wanted to quit. How I kept pushing and how elated we were at the top. And I think that maybe life is about climbing mountains. You can turn around when the it gets tougher and never experience the feelings of success. Or you can keep pushing, keep thinking about how great it is going to be after all of the hard work.
I tried to explain this to A, but I think the meaning was lost in between tears of heartache. I know that the more I cry to him, the more he will squirm to get away. I have given myself the challenge of not contacting him for at least one week. Maybe by next Thursday I won't feel the need to patch this up. Or maybe I will and he will have had time to really think about what I mean. Maybe his answer won't change. maybe it will. maybe he is one difficult passage on my mountain that I need to get past to get to the top on my own. or maybe we are supposed to do this together.
In other news, I am looking at an apartment tonight. Its walking distance from work and less rent. Heat and water included. I hope it pans out.